The Non Joy of Cats

Don't get me wrong I'm not looking at getting rid of my cats (well most of the time I'm not), but I have found living with my two cats somewhat problematic. I get used as a scratch post, so I occasionally look like I'm self harming. I get pestered for when their bowls are full & one minute they like a certain food, then they decide no I don't like it & leave it for it to go manky, though sometimes they will let another cat in the neighbourhood eat it & then say look at me I've eaten it can I have food now I'm hungry. They lie on their front on any thing black, on their back on anything white, so they will leave noticeable hairs on things. They do not leave you alone when you are on the computer or reading something. When they want fuss they offer you their head & before you no it you have a face full of cat butt. They do kamikaze runs at your legs when you are carrying something large enough for you not to be able to see what is at your feet, so you end up booting them across the room & spend the next 10-15 minutes chasing round to see if they are OK only they don't want to be anywhere near you now even though they the ones who decided to try & cause you grievous injury in the first place. They want to come into the bedroom when I'm trying to get intimate & will start mewing & scratching at the door, which is incredibly off putting. If you are not out of bed when they want you to be & your other half has left the door open as he is getting ready for work, they will jump onto the bed & be loud & restless until I get out of it so they can have the bed to themselves, if they feel the need to cough up a fer ball or are going to be sick, they will head straight to a carpeted area of the house even though they were in a wipe clean area when they first got the need to disgorge. If I have just planted something in the garden they decide to use the area as a toilet so it doesn't grow. Jezebel brings frogs in & Gabriel likes catching sparrows which are declining in numbers. They also like scrabbling into the bin to dislodge anything that they think will taste good & then leave it in the middle of the kitchen. They will hide in inaccessible places when it is their/your bedtime & will stand over the crux of the door when you want them either to go in or out of the house which is hugely annoying when need to leave for work. They also claw the carpet & the sofa. Can anybody tell I'm having a bad cat day?